| screw it! |
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| 01:28pm 01/04/2005 |
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mood:  crazy music: project 86 "desided for me"
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i am done with this bull shit. i have enlisted in the army. i am going to texas in the next two months. my step dad says that "this is what you were raised for" and maybe he is right. i have no remorse in my body. i feel like i could kill and not feel a thing. my dad did a good job. well i am done with school and i am done with work i am going to war. and i am going to to war and i am going to do what i was "made to do" well that is it. |
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| work sucks then you die! |
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| 02:46pm 02/03/2005 |
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mood:  satisfied music: Disturbed Beleive
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i hate my job. all i am doing is sitting here on the computer calling people who can pick up there cars from the shop. i don't want to sit here and wait for death to come knock on my door. i want to work i want to leave my house and go to a job like everyone else. i hate this i asked for a transfer back to my old position but they said it was to much of a liability to have me at work. well fuckum. i am starting my trip in a few days. it should be fun. my first stop is pennsilvania. i am going to stop and see my aunt. then i start on the real fun places. wish me luck. i hope it doesn't snow when i ma on the road. that would suck. well that is about all for me for right now. i will update more about my trip as it is avalible hahahahahaha. |
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| what the fuck!!!!!!!! |
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| 01:21pm 24/02/2005 |
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mood:  determined music: mudvayne NOT FALLING
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i am dieing. i am not dead. there is a chance i will be fine. i am just sick of everyone holding my hand and treating me like i am dead. i still have all of my streangth that i have had in the past. i don;t want to be treated any differently than i was before. i am me i am not dead so stop treating me like it.when i am on my death bed and my last breath of air comes out of my lungs then you can treat me like i am dead. and why the fuck is everyone telling me to have faith. you need faith in this you need faith in that. i have faith in nothing. i am so exquisitly empty. everything i have had faith in has ripped me appart.and finally every one stop telling me i am a gonner. i am not going anywhere. I AM FOREVER. i have somethings i need to get done before i go. i am too strong to let me kill me. well that is my bazzerk rant. on more desterbing notes, what is wrong with me. am i a bad guy? am i too stupid? will someone tell me? i got a new girlfreind her name was samantha. i come to find out that she was just using me for my house and money. i got a call from her other BOYFREIND and he was like " is sam there?" i was like "who is this?" and he said "this is her boyfreind" right then and there my heart was gone. i don't beleive in love anymore. it is just some stupid thing that people say to hurt someone else in the end. there was one person in my life that said that ot me and i actually belived her with all of my heart. and i actually could say it back and mean it too. but i lost her too. i was right all those years ago i am going to die alone and i am alright with that. well on the lighgter note i just got promoted in the FORD company i now work at home on the computer calling customers to tell them that they can pick up their cars from our shop. i am getting paid 17.90 an hour for this shit and i love it. i am also working as a mechanic for STS in hightstown for some extra cash. well that is my life for right know. i am going to the mall to hang out with some freinds then i am going to finnigans. |
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| hey look at me now |
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| 12:58am 12/11/2004 |
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mood: crazy
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well i am still standing. i didn't end my life because i am alive for one reason and one reason only and that is to help and love laura as long as i can. i hope she will let me do it forever. i love her more than anything i have ever loved before. me and her are back together again and everything feels right. my life is back on track. i love her so much i can't even show her the full exstent of how much i really do love her. i only show her about 60% of my full love for her. i wish i could show her my full love for her. i need her in my life. well besides that my freind john rolins is now living with me he got kicked out of his apartment and being the sape that i am i told him that him and his girlfreind could stay with me. he has helped me so much through out me and lauras breakup. i owe him alot and i owe alot of people for helping me. that is my shindig my life is still going. and i hope laura is a part of it for as long as i live. i love her more than anything in the world |
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| my life? |
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| 12:55am 29/10/2004 |
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mood:  lonely
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me and laura are done. forever. and i really don't know why. it is all my fault. i must have done something wrong or she would have been happy with me. i feel so empty right know. my light in my heart has been put out and nothing can bring it back. only laura and the love i had with her. that is all i need in life. people spend all of there life looking for true love and me i was lucky enough to have it come and find me. and without it i am but a shell. and empty hollow shell. i just want to die. i am going to die. this is my death letter. by my own hand i am going to die. but that fact is that i was dead the second she said it was over. if you kill some one emotionally is it considered murder. if it is then laura murdered me. i just hope that i can find as much happyness in the next life as i did when i was with my one true love. but it is not her fault. i am doing this becasue i can't stand the pain of life anymore. i love her. even now all i can feel in my heart is that i love her. i just hope she can be happy. that is all i wanted to begin with. was for her to be happy. i wish she could see how great we are together. then she could really see why i love her. i will always be with all of my friends. and her. i will always look down(or up) on her. i wish i could find another way but i cannot. laura was my last hope at happyness but just like everthing else in my life it has crashed and burned. well goodbye too all of you. i love all of you and i thank you for beening there for me. but this is the only way.
goodbye |
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| hey look |
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| 02:24pm 21/09/2004 |
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well it has been a long time since i have updated and since the time that i did nothing has happend. i have not been working because too many people want to work. so i am at home borred out of my skull. but i found something very amuzing look at this.
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| happiness finally |
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| 10:02am 13/09/2004 |
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well it has been a while since i have updated. well lets see waht happened. i gat in a serious car accedent. my truck was pritty much totalled. i went out and got a new one and now i am making soem after market modifications. i have made it a stick instead of an automatic. i have put a painting sticker on the hood of the truck and i have gutted the inside and put in a whole shit load of stuff. and another great thing that has happened to me this last week. laura is giving me another shot. when i was in that car accedent i was thinking to myself that i can't die. i need to be with laura just once more before i can leave this earth. yestarday. it was the best day of my life. everything meant so much to me. and it was all becasue i just knew i had my love back. people have told me that only i can make me happy. and that is completely true. but only with her by my side can i trully be completely happy. this break has made me step back and look at what i did. and i have screwed up alot. but iam going to take what i have learned form this and i am going to be twice the boyfreind i was. i think i took our relationship for granite alittle bit. but now i will cherish every second that we are together as if they could be our last. i lvoe her with all of my heart. and i hope that she can see that and that i am going to do my best not to screw this up again. if i do i don't think i could live with myself. i love her so much. and i found out that a long time ago i was going to be a father. my first girlfriend whitney. we were together for 5 years but sadly she died in a house fire. she was pregnant with my child. i almost had a family at 15. i was almost completely happy for the rest of my life. but the she died. that is why i want laura so much. whitney was the only other person that could make me as happy as luara does. and i lost that once i couldn't handle it if i lost it again. well that is about everything. |
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| okay.......... |
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| 10:31am 07/09/2004 |
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well it is all over. laura finally called it quits. i am so confussed right know i want to be sad and i wantto hate her just like i did trish but i can't all i can think about is what did i do to make her hate me that much to do this. is there anything i could have done better to make her stay with me. and the only thing i can see that i did wrong was be a bad boyfreind. when she left i didn' support her. i wanted what i wnated and i couldn't see that she needed to go. the last time i saw her i was angry at her because i knew she was leaving and that is what hurt. i can't remember the last time i saw her as i was holding her in my arms telling her that i love her no it is of me yelling at her that she doesn't love me because she is leaving. no one that loves someone should do that to the person that they love. and in the past 3 months i haven't made her laugh once. hell i don't even think i made her happy in the last three months. because i was still focasing on the fact that she was gone and i wanted her back. not that is better down there then up here. but it was what i wanted. i am the worst person in the world. i hurt the person that i love the most. but i guess i found this out to late. i was trying to change look on the good side of things. but i guess what i did in the past hurt her too much for her to forgive me. i love her with all of my heart even now. i just hope she finds what she is looking for and i hope she is happy because i am going to do something i should have done before i am going to support her 100% on this right now and i am going to pray that you will never forget me laura. and i am sorry that i hurt you so much. i hope you find what you are looking for. |
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| happy finally |
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| 12:14pm 02/09/2004 |
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i ma so happy right now. me and laura got into a fight last night and i thought that it was over. but we talked it out and everything is fine. she said things that made me so happy i busted out crying. i really needed to hear that from her. the only thing i wounder is if she just said it to shut me up or if she really meant it. but i don't care. i am happy that she did it and i hope that she doesn't stop doing it. and i am working so hard to go down and see her. i will sell my limbs to see her again. i will and hopefully soon. i am planing to suprise her on our aneversary. i have a plan to really make her happy. i hope i can make her happy again. i want to see her smile again. well that is my shindig. i just want to say that i love her more than life itself and i hope that she can see that. |
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| i'm fine |
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| 10:55pm 30/08/2004 |
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well everything is fine. work sucks and i get hurt for it. i got stabbed on my side from a guy who comes in and makes problems for me and i get hurt from it. i don't know any more. i have to go think about some problems i am having in my rerlationship and with my life and my girlfriend. i hope i can straighten it all out. i need to be happy and all i get is more problems is it all worth it. i wish i knew. |
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| life sucks. |
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| 08:51pm 23/08/2004 |
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Send away for a priceless gift
One not subtle, one not on the list
Send away for a perfect world
One not simply, so absurd
In these times of doing what you're told
You keep these feelings, no one knows
What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart
And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
Swimming through the ashes of another life
No real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45
Send a message to the unborn child
Keep your eyes open for a while
In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else
There's a piece of a puzzle known as life
Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight
What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart
CHORUS
Everyone's pointing their fingers
Always condemning me
And nobody knows what I believe
I believe
CHORUS
this is a great song for my life. i hate it right now. i hate seeing all of these happy couples holding eachother in there arms. i miss my love so much. i need to see her. but that is totally imposible. and that is why i hate this. i need her. i am sick of crying every night because i want to see her beautiful face or gettign sick to my stomach everytime i think of how great it fely to kiss her sweet lips. i just want to end everything. my life my soul my heart. i need her and i can't have her. and it hurts so much. i can't take it anymore i have too do something to releve all of my pain. even if i have too die to do it. they say that no parent sould out live there child. but no person should have too live without there true love the one that makes them happy just to look at them. the one that completes them. i need to have her. but that will never happen. nothing good can happen to me. i just want to die and have alittle peace in my life. at least i can be somewhat as happy as i was when i was with her. |
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| life sucks |
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| 10:04pm 10/08/2004 |
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my life sucks. i have only one great thing in my life. that is my girlfriend. my school sucks. my job sucks. i can't even see that great thing. i miss her so much. i am starting to really lose it. my boss tells me to keep my head on my job. but that is really hard to do when your love is so far away and you can't even hear her voice only once in a while. or you can look her in the eyes and see how much she loves you and yuo can't tell her how much you love her while holding her in my arms. how cna i focus on work when this is what i am thinking about every second my eyes are open. i miss her so much. it hurts when i think of how long it has been since i have seen her. i miss her. i almost can't take it anymore. i love her forever. but i need to see her or i don't know what i am going to do |
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| i hate me |
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| 10:50pm 08/08/2004 |
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i did it again. i hurt the one thing that makes me happy and that i love. i can't do this anymore. i just want to die. i can't hurt her anymore. i deserve too die. maybe i will. i love her with all my heart and i don't wan to keep doing this too her. so to let her so i will take my own life and leave her too be happy. i will. i love her but i wust let her go. and this is the only way. |
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| okay |
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| 09:43pm 06/08/2004 |
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well i am fine now. i have made everything okay with me and my girl freind. we are great together. but it sucks right now. we are having along distance relationship and it kind of suck. don't get me it is going great. i think. but i miss her so much. i think about her every second of the day and i miss her so much. i miss holding her in my arms and kissing her and looking her in the eyes and telling her how much i love her and what my dreams for us are and what i want out of life and her telling me whil elookin gme in the eys that she loves me and that i can have what i want out of life. that i can have her. i want her. all to my self. i want her as my wife, forever. i feel like i can't live without her. i love her and i hope she knows how i feel. well my other problem is i am so worred about me freind. i really want to help her but i don't know how. i am so frustrated with that. she needs my help but she can't trust me. |
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| pain |
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| 10:09pm 04/08/2004 |
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mood:  aggravated
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i hate people some times. i just feel so angry right now i need to go and fight someone. i will be fien i hope |
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slipknot_devil's journal